I Can't get over my mother's death..

[Sadinne]

Hello everyone.

As some of you might already know, I lost my mom last year three weeks before my bac exam, Allah gave me the power to pass the exam & I am now in college, I chose pharmacy & I am very satisfied with my choice, my father got married & his wife is hamdoulilah very good to us, when I think about all the possibilites of things that could've gone wrong in my life, I realize how lucky I am now that everything is fine, except for on thing, which is the fact that even though in about a month a year would've passed since my mom died, but I'm still not over it..

When I decided to pass the bac exam & to try to study & how I smiled at everyone & how "Okay" I seemed to be, everyone thought I took it well, that I was doing just fine, but in fact I was just in a state of shock, I didn't realize what was happening, I didn't know it meant I'll never see my mother ever again, I thought it was just a movie, that will soon be over & that my mother will come back home once it's all over.

When I started to realize it, when I went to college & came back to an empty home, when my mom wasn't there in El Aid, in Ramdan...When I bought new clothes & Had no one to show them to, when I woke up in the middle of the night after having a huge nightmare & not finding anyone to run to, when I yell "Mom" in the house & I don't hear her sweet voice saying "Ani hna a Hbibti" that's when I realized what it meant, that was the moment I knew what "She died" meant, and I just couldn't handle it, I am not opposing god's will, on the contrary, Hamdoulilah for the fact that she didn't stay alive paralyzed in a corner, hamdoulilah she didn't suffer, hamdoulilah she was a good woman, hamdoulilah I got my bac & got the chance to go out of town & escape all of this for a little while, hamdoulilah my dad is still good to me, hamdoulilah his wife is a good woman, hamdoulilah for everything, cause I know even though I lost the most important person in the world, I am still swimming in god's blessings & gifts, & I will forever be thankful for everything that I have in my life.

But my mind, my heart, my soul, my spirit, my whole being is incapable of accepting that thought, & that state of shock slowly turned into a state of denial.

I live in denial & I admit it.

It's like I have completly closed the door of the past life I used to have, I try my best not to think about my mom, not to think about how my life used to be, not to let any memories float back, I try not to think about when she was sick, when she dided, how I was home alone, it's like I'm trying my best to just suffocate every single memory I have, because going back to that just kills me, & I thought that if I do that for long enough, maybe I will end up forgetting for real, maybe if I don't go back, all of these memories will go away, I feel like I'm running from my past, & I just try to live in the moment, or think about the future, until I die & See her in Heaven inchallah, I don't look at her pictures, I don't watch some videos I have of her, I don't talk about her, & when my familly brings back her death or how much they miss her or anything like that, I just walk away & come back when they're done, It's not that I don't love her or I don't care, on the contrary I care too much, I'm the youngest, I was my mother's little spoiled girl, I'll never forget how her eyes would shine when she looked at me, like I was the most beautiful girl in the world, how she tried her best so I would always be perfect in every possible way, how she would come & sleep with me when I have nightmares, & The last time she was still conscient but she couldn't talk, so she just helf my hand tight & kept on looking at me, & I just sat there helpless, trying my best not to cry, cause I thought if she was going to live, then I should give her the courage to fight harder, & if she was going to die, then I should let her die in peace....& I can't go back to these memories cause it destroyes me & I break down like the great wall of China coming down brick by brick, cause I just miss her so much...

& Now that we're in spring break, I came back home from college & every corner reminds me of her, & all of these memories rush back into my mind, & I don't know what to do about it, everyone thinks that I am so brave & strong because I "Dealed" with it, & I'm "Coping" so well, but I'm not, I didn't deal with anything, the only thing that I'm doing is running away like a coward from every that fact, & hoping that it will never catch me, hoping that death will catch me before it does, it would be like skipping the whole death part, straight to when I meet with my mom in Jannah inchallah...

I don't know what to do, every corner of my house is making me remember my mother, & it's killing me, & summer break will soon be here...I can't run away forever...Please help me...

[Karim-Rap-4-Life]

Salam aalaykom first of all I want to pass my condolance to you sister I'm sorry for your mother I ask Allah to bless her and all the Moselm dead persons
the diary is a heart touching and I just can't solve it if I were you I mean everybody can feel the same as you because it's the Mother but look I'm very sure that by time you'll be able to sit in the home and recall the memories and looking at her pictures. Sister just be strong and remember that no mother in the world want to see her daughter giving up to life! this is the life and sooner or later we all move to the after life. be patient and Trust allah read coran and pray and ask Ra7ma and Ghofrane for your Mother
Allah yer7amha w ye3tikom Sbar
Amen!

[algeria 03]

hello
dear, you don't know how much I cried when I read this,
if you r running from anything in life, run to god. read kuran, pray...
try to fill that empty space by your self,
you can sing to your self before going to bed, when your upset cry, crying is good, talk to allah about how you feel, even tough allah knows every thing but its good for you if you say it.
you ll wont be able to deal with all of this at once, take it easy....a bit by bit
take care of your self

[نارينا]

Hello there,
Your writing style is amazing. It draws every body to go on reading your words deeply. Try to think of your mother and keep her memories in your mind, but you have to get over the uncontrolled sadness because it will affect your daily and future life badly....The only thing I can tell right now is " May Allah bless your mother and let her be in heaven with the good ones....by the way, my mother passed away too 8 months ago....we'r in the same boat dear...
Be safe and well

[romina_auxanne]

hi sadinne
i was moved to tears when reading all you've been through may allah bless your mother
in fact i lived in your state even though it is not as painful as yours
i experiance this state of denial after my uncle passed away , at that moment i couldn't believe his death, i cried only when i was alone , didn't go to his funeral and didn't tell any of my friends about his death.i had baccalaureat exam that year, i chose to act like nothing happened. after months i realised that everyone else got over his death except me, i couldn't look at his pictures or talk about him and this lasted for a year ,until one day i found pictures of him, i stared at the first one, cried so much and then i saw all the other pictures. that day i was happy because i faced my fears .after that i felt that the denial was fading away slowly day after day .now, after two years from his death i don't cry when i remember him , i don't avoid going to his house by fear of the memories that come to me .
I came into a conclusion
that ignoring the fact of death is not cowardness , it is your way to stay strong and facing your pain,
you tried your best to live and love life no matter how it is diffcult , you are surely very strong because most of people in your place would not have passed their exam , you are very strong because today you are thankful for what you have despite your big loss , you will soon get rid of this state inchalah by realising how strong you are and were, like i did , just don't lose hope because at worst you can go to a pscychologist who can solve your probleme easily
i hope to read your news soon. kisses