When is it enabling and needing to leave the situation vs for better or worse and staying?

[AbuHossam]

The Question
Hubby has not worked in almost 2 years.* We have had talks about how we need more income coming in.* I’m already working FT, PT & even started donating plasma to help.* So working 7 days a week, 74+ hours a week for 2 1/2 years.

I had the hard conversations with him back in June that I didn’t feel like I had a partner anymore.* That I felt like he wasn’t participating in this marriage either financially or emotionally & that I couldn’t continue to do this on my own.* He said that he heard me & understood.

In late October we talked that the only reason we were okay for the last few months of the year was due to some extra money on my paychecks that would end as of January & would he consider getting a temporary season job for those 10 weeks since we’ll be $900-$1000 short for January.

He said ‘sure’ but the way he said it I knew he wouldn’t.* He would usually end all of our monthly financial meetings with ‘guess I’ll have to get a job’

All during this year he has been working hard to get something going that will be his main source of income & I totally support him doing that, but in the mean time we need some income coming in!

He just can’t or won’t go get any type of job to help us.

I feel like I’ve expressed myself on what I need from him & our marriage, I’ve had the hard conversations about the lack of having a partner & the stress this money shortage is having on me.* He said he might be depressed, he said he might want to talk to someone.* He didn’t.* He says he’ll ‘get a job’.* He hasn’t.* I’m not happy anymore.

Our youngest is graduating high school in June & I feel like selling the house & going our separate ways might be best for both of us.

The other part of me says we said for better or worse…is this the worst?* Do I just keep killing myself working 2 jobs?

No he won’t go to counseling.

Need some people who don’t know me personally to weigh in…

ANSWER 1
If he won’t do anything to address this issue (like getting a job this week or making a therapy appt this week), I’d start to explore your options. I understand this is likely mental illness/psychiatric in nature, but we can’t help people who won’t help themselves.


ANSWER 2
You have been so very patient with him.
If he doesn't change (which looks like he won't) plan on your exit plan.
You can't make/force him do anything. Take care of yourself and be prepared as a single person completely. I'm so sorry. I was in a similar situation holding onto divorce papers and kept waiting for him to change- and then I had my sign and he didn't change.
I filed the next day


ANSWER 3
Please quietly, without a word to your husband, seek counseling of both an attorney and mental health professional. I have a friend who was in this situation and ended up paying him alimony. It is very important that you understand the legalities and legal ramifications of divorce in your state and that you have the support of a mental health professional as you embark whether you get a divorce or not.



ANSWER 4
This sounds like depression. Something has triggered it and he needs help. They have virtual counseling. Medication will help too if he’s in need. It’s not something he can control if it’s depression, but he can manage it way better. I’ll pray for you and your decision.