Women can be so unpredictably annoying at times

[AbuHossam]

I woke up last night to see my wife sitting on the bed around 1am.

At first, I wanted to pretend not seeing her, but I could not. So I got up.

"Babe what is it? Why are you not sleeping?" I asked while holding her hands.

"We have not celebrated our wedding anniversary before, so I want us to start now to make preparations."

"Is that all?"

"Yes!"

"Then let's sleep. We will talk about it in the morning. Besides, our anniversary will be by November, so we have a lot of time to prepare. Let's sleep please."

"No oooo! Let's talk now. I have even made the list of important things we will need for the ceremony. In fact, you will have to marry me again. You will propose and we will take our vows again."

"Babe, was it not 6 years ago we got married? The marriage is still very fresh and the vows are still intact. We can't remarry by November this year. It has never been done this way."

"Who said it will be this year? Please take the list. Let's start saving money small small."

She handed me a torch and the list tagged: "Our Platinum Jubilee Marriage Anniversary".

I took the list from her, glanced through it and returned the look to my wife.

"Why are you starring at me like that? Go through the list first."

"Madam I am not going through any list. I married you when I was 45 years old and we have been married for 6 years. I am now 51 years old. Do you know how many years make up a Platinum Jubilee?"

"Of course I know. Is it not just 70 years? I googled it."

"Just listen to yourself. 70 years to you is" just", abi? Do you know if you add your "just 70 years" to my present age, I will be 121 years then? You and who want to live that long? You want me to see all the sheges for this life, abi? Madam I can never marry you for 70 years. We will all d!e before then. Platinum Jubilee in marriage is just like the rank of a Field Marshal in the Army. No one has ever attended it in Nigeria. No one."

Her facial expression changed.

"So what are you saying? she asked.

"What I'm saying is that I can't buy a bag of rice for N700, 000, a goat for N500, 000, drinks for 1.5m....wait ooo, are you sure you're ok?

"Do you know how costly things will be when we reach 70 years in marriage? That is why we have to start saving now."

"Madam, e be like say dem don pour concrete for your ears. I say I no wan marry you reach 70 years. Ah! Ah! Wetin go remain to enjoy by that time? 121 years by then? Do you even consider life's expectancy by then?"

I stood up, picked my pillow and headed to the sitting room as I continued: "You want me to be contributing money to you for the next 64 years. I no blame you. A bag of rice for N700, 000. Platinum jubilee celebration, not even silver or golden jubilee. 1.5m worth of drinks. Wetin I wan celebrate by then. Celebration of life with no teeth nor good eyesight. Abeg shift!"

Since morning, my wife has been calling her people and my people, telling them that I said I do not want to marry her till old age.

I am tired of explaining. I have switched off my phone. Make everybody rest abeg.

© Ezekiel Umoren